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I mean, I know guys are suppose to stick up for guys, but come on.. He wants nothing to do with her OR the baby? Bless your heart. While I realize that this is a stressful situation, your letter indicates that you will always harbor resentment for this child and this woman who will be in you and your boyfriends lives FOREVER. I got angry because it's something he should have told me. Why does anyone think they have a say in whether a woman aborts or keeps her child? female . (and I hate that C-word.but LW, you deserve it). If this woman wants to have the child, then she can have it: why is it up to you or your boyfriend to tell her she cant? April 9, 2012, 5:52 pm, Sounds to me like your sister isnt so much unlucky, but a liar. You can get pregnant on birth control! April 9, 2012, 5:57 pm. So go control them all you please. My boyfriend broke up with me when I was 10 weeks pregnant. But I believe theres a definite difference. But, they both had lawyers. If youre going to call anyone a slut, Chuck (which you shouldnt, its really very rude) why not the dude who slept with someone he cant stand and got her pregnant? Im only speaking on speculation, of course, since I was not a part of the situation and only heard about from him. The family structure is dynamic and without balance, falls apart. female But when it comes down to it, men have *zero* say in anything having to do with the child how it is raised, where it lives, etc. . bittergaymark I think hes scum because 1.- he asked the other woman to have an abortion and 2.- now hes mad that she didnt. While I am pro-choice, I would never have an abortion. If you dont do these things and you end up donating the genetic material for a person that gets born and is running around and youre its dad, you pony up some child support because it took two people to make that kid. She cant afford a child on her own. I think shes nothing but a little scroat. But what a guy usually doesn't take into consideration is that a lot has happened after the breakup. And the children are either damned or murdered. Give him another chance. If there is no child at conception Heres how I interpreted it. My point was BOTH of them are responsible NOT just one of them. Chuck Pelto If he doesnt do this, and the woman gets pregnant anyways, he needs to show maturity and be responsible for his decisions. Do you want to talk about how a baby is made? April 9, 2012, 11:16 am, Oh, good lord. April 11, 2012, 11:50 am. I think, Chuck, what she meant was that no one is forcing these men to impregnate strangers. You have the proof he banged her and now they have a child together. Its not right Im sure I wouldnt. As a woman, I have to take responsibility that any man I have sex with may very well walk away from me never to be heard from again leaving me with a child to raise alone. lets_be_honest Dont be so quick to assume every dude who makes an observation about a real phenomenon is some embittered douche full of vitriol; you may learn something in the process. Its when I disagree that I usually feel I want to write a comment. I dont know why you dont understand that people think this guy is a scum, because he has said that he is going to be a deadbeat dad, and is pretty much taking no responsibility for what happened. I dont doubt that Sure Baby, I love you. Um hello, hes 40 years old, he knows how babies are made. I think the overwhelming majority of adoptive parents are good, caring, nurturing parents. 5 Ways To Deal When Your Ex Is Dating Someone New - Bustle Why do you assume everything is so laid back though? I thought you were disputing the comments about it being not that contagious by disclosing that you were HIV positive. Men this means condom. Good times. Maybe she doesnt want the baby at all, but it seems the least unappealing choice to her in this scenario. So sad that anyone would think its even necessary to implement such a system. Eggzactlee, though I dont burn effigies as we have Spare the Air days in CA. I totally agree with you for reasons you likely already understand. Im guessing thats where most of us got the idea that he was trying to push it on her. Just sayin there are options, oral being only one of them. Out of my 5 closest friends only one isnt a fan. Hes 40 and he doesnt want a child. Hell of course express things in a way that maximizes the chance of him not doing any more to hurt the LW than necessary. Run as if your life depends on it because it does. So he and the LW should break up for good. I feel so depressed about everything. So I have a pretty positive impression of my biological father. I noticed you dutifully avoided addressing that. Why You MUST Let Him Come To You After A Break Up because, no one can give you a 100% guarantee that none of that will happen. Ugh so agree with Amanda. So, stop with the 19th century stuff about doing the right thing. Women have complete reproductive autonomy. So true. First of all, it can take a bad psychological toll on someone who doesnt want to have it in the first place. That is called deception. April 10, 2012, 7:38 pm. Wanting nothing to do with his child, which like it or not seems to be coming, is not acceptable- and a mature girlfriend would help him to see that these are the cards hes been dealt, and that he now has to work with them. I wish there was some way he could have prevented himself from ejaculating into a woman if only there was some way he could have arranged that some way for him to have control over his reproductive material or the choice of woman or the choice to ejaculate at all if only the poor man no choice in the matter AT ALL So, you go back to where you started, and then he hits you with another bombshell. Turns out it wasnt even his kid (thats another story), but she showed up at his work, called him repeatedly in the middle of the night, and physically assaulted his friends girlfriend in a parking lot. And shame on you for agreeing that he is entitled to this opinion. He never denies the kid is his: he even offered to support the child, though he doesnt want to be apart of the childs life. Here are five hard truths every "other woman" should know: 1. People need to think about their actions and the consequences. We still cant quite manage partheogenesis or budding. I know you two were on a break but I hope you made him get swabbed for STDs. It seems like the LW is painting the woman in this scenario as the sole person responsible for the pregnancy. He ejaculates thats it. She left me for him and and now wants me back. Whether those parents planned it or not they need to be there for that kid and not just dump it becuase you feel like it. I wouldnt want to hang around to find out. Thats my advice. SpaceySteph reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2010): A And _JSW_, if youre reading this too, thanks for an interesting evening. Lucky us. We were back and forth and it was very frustrating for me so I gave him an ultimatum I told him that he either wanted to make it work and we move forward, or, that I was leaving to another city to start over without him. As far as your relationship with him. The baby will be due right in the middle of the semester. Someone else has assumed it. Steve Kellmeyer April 9, 2012, 5:46 pm. Putting that opinion into action with either government or private coercion is that to which we have no right. Really, people. -Tried to pressure her into getting an abortion I know that everyone is focusing on that, but I think that the response would have been the same even if the LW had acknowledged this. And hopefully this childs mother will, too. But condoms should still be used unless the relationship is established and monogamous and both parties are disease-free. I told her if its not about the kids, dont text him. by Kara Straight May 11, 2018. April 10, 2012, 7:25 pm. They are babies. Theres a fun scenario. Well get our hands off your uterus when you get your hands off our wallets. Make Ford. Translation: men should think before they poke but women can do whatever they damn well please. lets_be_honest Because women are always unfairly saddled with the burden of child birth, we will always be the ones who make the choices about whats going on in our own bodies. Sounds like its coming out of the starting blocks with two strikes against it in the gene pool department. Cowards who abandon responsibility when they dont want to deal with it dont make good partners. Seriously, that is your interpretation of the male thought process? Again, this implies that a pregnancy must lead irrevocably to a child. Why should she abort the baby I mean come on. So, then, women should always have to accept that theyre pregnant because they had sex and then have the child whether they want to or not? But, are you willing to pay for his mistakes. Hes allowed to not want to be a father! Is it fair that in cases where neither the man nor the woman wants to continue a pregnancy, only the woman has to undergo a medical proceedure (or even when they want to carry to term for that matter)? Neither are the kids, but thats beside the point where feminism is concerned, right?, And dont worry, my sons will have the good sense to stay away from your daughters.. I dont see why this issue is any different. I dont think anyone thinks hes an ass for having sex with someone after a split. Its easy to think the guy is a scumbag for not wanting to be a dad. April 9, 2012, 11:00 am. Chuck Pelto In my opinion, even if the baby turns out to not be his, hes already shown his true colors; and theyre pretty yellow. ! And then of course Ross WE WERE ON A BREAK meltdown. I have to take the stance that it is no ones responsibility but their own to make sure they dont get STDs. Sure. And not even the most important part. SweetsAndBeats And how do you know you wouldnt do the same thing she is? It belongs to the child and the law is concerned with ensuring the best interests of the child above all else. A guy does have every right to tell her look, Im not ready to do this. April 10, 2012, 5:54 pm. If a guy wants absolutely to avoid becoming a father, he is responsible for using additional BC or not having sex with women if he doesnt know what their stance on unintended pregnancy would be. Well, they dont entirely disregard fairness to the mother and/or father, but the childs interests take precedent. Just once. (youve already split for two months, for reasons you didnt even mention). Freeze your sperm and get a vasectomy. Anyone would be angry in this situation. We only have sex if were ready to be a father? Its a sad situation when an unplanned pregnancy happens between two individuals that arent committed to each other, let alone two individuals who actively dislike each other. It doesnt involve any weird semi-involvement; but rather a clean break for the child and a chance to build a happy, loving life with a set of great parents. People arent calling him scum for having unprotected sex with a women he was dating. I think theyre unfair in the same way that I feel its unfair to prevent women from having abortions, but thatss beside the point. It will have feelings too. During the time we both were studying for the bar, we were on a break. And this is the problem with having sex in a non-monogamous relationship and not fully protecting yourself. reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): A Thats all well and good except it didnt happen and now theyre in this situation. And I do commend him for providing financial support. if she has a miscarriage because he's back with you, your fault. For anyone. He ought to get a vesectomy since this guy is obviously carrying the manchild gene. It takes two people to make a baby and two people to decide what to do after one of them gets pregnant. April 10, 2012, 5:55 pm, Heterophobe, hmmm, thats new one. Should you be frustrated at the situation? What a joke. I think we can all agree that the safest thing for men to do is to simply masturbate alone, while wearing a condom. lets_be_honest His utter failure to own up to his actions is appalling. And he put you in danger of contracting an STD because he failed to use a condom. Life is unfair. I know youve been in a tough situation and the fact that you and your daughter came out of it the amazingly awesome people you are shows that all a kid needs is an amazing mother who wants to provide for her kid at whatever cost to herself. You dont want his problems. When its the woman who will suffer the consequences, its the woman who should be vigilant. lets_be_honest And oxygen. 13 Honest Reasons Guys Think About Their Ex After A Breakup - YourTango LW, your anger is misdirected. You dont really get a say in this matter. Life had another plan, and be glad you get to see who he is and how you dodged the bullet. But I just don't know anymore. If a woman is raped and aborts a child, there is nothing to support. What the fuck ever. bittergaymark Also I disagree with the logic that if you support legal abortion, then you emphatically deny that men create children. Hold the phone. Women have complete reproductive autonomy, but as far as I know it is impossible to become impregnated without a man somewhere in the equation. Beyond that, no one really cares that he jumped in bed with another woman right after they broke up only to decide that he cant live without her after getting said woman pregnant. Dont ever sleep with someone mean or stupid, because if you get pregnant, youre going to be tied to that person for the rest of your childs life. And I was like, Ewww, Mom, thats gross! But it was great advice, and Ive always followed it. I hope the LW takes note of the fact that Amandas comment currently has 61 likes. Nevertheless, if you choose to sleep with a guy that you are not in a relationship with or have only known for two months, without doubling up on the protection, and get pregnant and decide to keep the babyThen I think you should be aware that a situation like this may happen. This was even more of a scandal in a small town in the 70s than it would have been today, but she decided to keep the baby. He sounds like a conceited, arrogant, narcissistic a-hole. Id drop this guy in a heartbeat. Especially the children. And those young boys and those young boys parents have wages garnished for the next 18 years to pay for the rapists child. April 9, 2012, 6:54 pm. First, if you cant live without someone, why did you need a break? But woman, grow the hell up. He doesnt want anything to do with his child? Youre taking something he is saying pre-child and assuming that it is the reality of what will happen post-birth. -Wants nothing to do with his own child. He slept with a woman he believed to be on the pill. According to pro-choice rhetoric, this man has NOTHING to do with the existence of the child. Scenario 2. Kind of sounds like it was written by an extremely immature middle aged woman. Im arguing that he should be able to get out of the responsibility in the same way that a woman can get out of that responsibility. reader, Maaeexo+, writes (11 November 2010): A Thats a dudes view. Wether he likes it or not, shes keeping the baby. My heart broke into a million pieces. He could've at least waited a week after coming back! It's good that he's being a responsible father already by supporting them financially. The kid isnt a rapist, the mother is. He said he would do whatever i wanted him to. Whats the matter? Nothing about that makes him the definition of immature or of an asshole. But it is a dickish move to get someone pregnant and then decide youre not going to be involved in that childs life. Im pretty sure the guy is being called scum because of his shitty attitude towards the pregnancy and the unborn child. Of course it is, but we have no way of knowing that the other woman was lying about that. It is never the unborn childs fault. Thats true Yankee vernacular. ColorsOfTheWind makes excellent points, and I agree; however, Id quibble with the phrase grown-up problems. But just my guess. If you were having a good communication way with him before, you can found out that he got another girl pregnant before you were dating. I dont think a woman should ever have to have an abortion, but if the father decides early on that he doesnt want the child, I think he should have the same rights to get out of it as the woman does. Not in the 50s or 60s and maybe not as late as the 80s but today the father gets joint custody. That was almost two years ago, and we never saw each other, spoke, or texted again. April 9, 2012, 2:14 pm. Hes just not ready to start a family. If your dead-beat ex wants know part that is HIS decision. Will he react the same? Deal with it, ladies. But then Id be haunted with the thought that I could have frozen BETTER sperm than the sperm I froze before tying the tubes and will always wonder if my children could have been better. Or is she trying to get him to live up to his responsibilities (which he brought on himself when he had unprotected sex and got someone pregnant)? In the current system he has the option to opt out any time prior to conception. Also, at least here in this state, its not in any way an easy thing to get out of paying, and I think its relatively difficult to avoid paying child support unless youre essentially a transient or if the woman doesnt make much of an effort to get support. And, lo and behold, you arent coming across any better. .of F****** Idiots. Because, you dont know the other person you dont if they remember to take their pill on time, if they forget pills for days at a time, if they are taking antibiotics, or if youre just one of the unlucky small small percentage that gets pregnant while taking the pill. Since you obviously cant formulate a cogent argument on the merit of these laws in response to my questions (as it doesnt interest you), I wonder why you keep going out of your way to engage this conversation. Its easier just to blame her and act like hes an innocent victim, but hes not. So, if she opted for an abortion and he was furious with her for not keeping the baby, would he be scum? Move on already, LW. Dont care to be properly identified? Yes, its true it is past the point.